The Unbearable Beauty of a Moment
A lot has happened since I was a shrimp last week. Thursday was Shrimp day - let me see - oh yes, Friday was spent in total dissociation. Mostly alone, in my shell, music non stop and rinse-repeat with Depak Ine - John Talbot
Music saves the day, every damn time. In this case, it kept me numb and safe.
The only real moment was boxing in the gym - throwing a few punches and kicks. But it was not enough to break me out of my shell, so I went to bed early. The trigger the day before has been really strong. Saturday was much more joyful - Spa Day with my bestie Deedee. Having coffee, sharing, sweating, steaming, cold, enjoying the sun.
Deedee let me Watsu her - Watsu is a form of aquatic bodywork that combines massage, joint mobilization, and stretching in warm water, drawing inspiration from Zen Shiatsu. It is a gentle therapy focused on relaxation, stress reduction, and physical recovery. The name "Watsu" is a portmanteau of "water" and "Shiatsu". I love having her in my arms in water, making sure she’s safe and floating… Guiding her through the water, my arm under her neck, my hand resting on the top of her shoulder, my other hand on her hip and twisting softly. Swirling her - slow, fast - through warm water. Deep somatic work.
But I meander because I avoid something -
I hit a point I was afraid would happen - I am afraid to write the truth.
Because the situation is delicate and confusing.
I said goodbye to my secret love last Thursday only to find myself in his orbit again by Sunday. We haven’t been able to stay away from each other. It just wasn’t possible.
It went quite far and it was transcendent. We exchanged intimate details so vulnerable, so deeply sensual and beautiful and wild. He sent me a nude that took away my breath - not really a lot to see, but the light, the soft hue and his hand protecting his modesty touched something deeply longing in me. His maddening trust unlocks my own vulnerability and what could have been offending with someone else was now holy script. We gave everything that night what’s possible in a stolen hour online.
What is the truth here? Do I have to deny a sacred connection?
By Monday, the usual disconnect happened. The guilt crept in and the longing he really has - to be able to share what we have not with me, but in the safety of the marriage with his wife.
To be safe, still innocent, contained in his world. With his family.
Though I can understand (me and my understanding…) - it cuts like a knife.
I’m not part of his world.
It makes no sense.
And here I am. Longing for him anyways.
Tuesday, I felt depleted, with a vague feeling of guilt and shame. It was a horrible day - my focus fractured, every responsibility done with sheer force of will. Luckily, I could sleep well.
Today I just really had to return to myself. And I did it. I was focused. Sharp.
Got the interview done well. 15 minutes later, I already had the invitation to the next round.
Got a compliment from my lawyer because I handled HR in the right way.
Went to a networking event, flirted, made new friends, talked about all things SaaS, tech sales and the corporate world.
Now home. Alone. With the echo of what happened in the soft light of that night.
Eros, have mercy on me.
The Devlins - Waiting
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